grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
is wine microwaveable?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
