my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
