My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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