sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Blood and glitter go together right?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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