I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize