so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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