So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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