He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
