Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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