It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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