We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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