Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
