the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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