Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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