Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize