I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
