worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
