I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
