I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
