Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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