areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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