I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
