You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
