my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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