I'm going to jail i love you
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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