Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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