Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I licked your asshole in confidence.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
