Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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