If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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