I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize