So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
