Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
