I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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