i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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