Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
