I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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