Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize