I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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