You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize