The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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