i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
