I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
