Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I met the friendliest cop last night
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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