Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
