Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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