The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
