Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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