I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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