woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He shit in the fireplace
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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