youre lurking in front of me
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
