Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
