Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize