I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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