My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
