There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
