I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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