3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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