I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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