Where did you get a picture of my penis
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
