This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
