$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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