Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He better not be in your backpack
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize