i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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