I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
