I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
